my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I need moral support for this bender
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
