If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
