fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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