Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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