I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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