We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
