Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
