i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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