So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
