OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
