Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
