Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
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he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
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you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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