I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
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I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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