it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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