I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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