If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
