Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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