I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
