I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
