I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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