Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
