it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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