My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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