i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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