Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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