apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
