Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
