you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
