So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
