shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
