no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
