she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
