Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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