just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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