good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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