I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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