You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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