Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
