Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
