I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
