i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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