im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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