I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
