I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
