My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
