if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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