Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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