I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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