I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm passing your future prison.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
