Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail