Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
