i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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