Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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