I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
