Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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